♠ Weekend Mood

Last weekend I had been cooking up a couple dishes.

Was hoping to make dumpling soup, but bought the wrong flour for the skin.

Ended up making tong yuan with nutella chocolate inside.

Didnt wrap the tong yuan nicely at first, some of the chocolate dripped out, added more color to the soup tho.

After couple of tries, able to make a little pouch to drip those nutella richness and wrap up without any choco goodness showing.

Planning to make black sesame tong yuan, but need to crush the seeds first, thus diverted.

Hey, got lemon, make lemonade.

Diced ginger to pieces and made ginger soup with sugar added and around 20 tong yuan. Finished all by myself cos my house owner never really touched anything I cook, muahaha.

Then made fried dumplings.

Bought some minced meat, add in salt, oyster sauce, dark soya souce, pepper, diced ginger and onion leaves.

Bought some wontan skin to wrap those meat and stuff.

Then fry.

Pretty good I might add.

The dumplings kinda hav little soup in them, and when dip in thai chilli sauce, fabulous.

Ate with rice and other side dishes.

Actually wanted to do dumpling soup; cravings.

Then ar, nary a bone in sight. And I couldnt take another walk down the morning market to get the stuff cos I've walked twice already.

Will try to make dumplings again this coming weekend, especially in the morning when there's nobody at home.

Auntie went out to work half day, the children have their own school or friends activities.

So I got whole morning to myself.

Wanna try out dry toufu skin as replacement for dumpling skin.

Then wanna try to make fish paste from scratch, see if I still remember or not.

Or get prawns. Hmm..will see how my mood fares.

PS : Sorry no photos; hunger precedes over art.

♠ Of Loneliness and Self-Reflection

My sister in kch was worried that I'd be too lonely, that my other sister was being too selfish for leaving me alone.

Bullshit.

Then she said I've got issues. Bollocks.

I've never been happier, nat, if you are reading this, go and have the time of your life cos when u get back, u wun be able to go for a month long holiday.

Some ppl are scared of loneliness, well, I dont.

Being lonely for me is self-reflective, self-pampering and just plain self-ishq (ishq = love in hindi or arabic).

I love being with me, myself and I.

One day when I'm all married with kids and all, I wont have this moment with myself.

This moment of freedom and bliss to be whatever I want to be and at the same time, purely supportive of my needs.

A time of procrastination, a time of glee, a time of rebel.

For all lovely singles out there who's enjoying their lives now; you all rock!

For all those lonely singles feeling sorry for yourself out there; you need to look deep into yourselves to see if you have issues with dependency or not.

I believe nobody can truly make us happy, other than ourselves, cos we know ourselves best; every quirk, snores, farts and all other goodies we are not supposedly to let other ppl knows.

We are all secrets waiting to be unfold, so, why bother unfolding so soon?

Enjoy the singles' life as much as we can, cos anybody out there with kids will tell you, "You are lucky you can go anywhere you please."

;)

♠ Faith in Others, Faith in Ourself

I remembered there was once a time in my life where I was involved in a teambuilding program.

I remembered what it took me to join that program.

I was working for another company, doing a different job description from the position offered. And I knew it was a temporary setback cos I wanted to learn programming, to do programming.

Then I heard how other ppl joined a particular program offered by the government for freshies without any job experience.

And I took a gamble though I've already got a job. Then I followed up and prayed. How I prayed.

It's odd that in many of the milestones in my life, I've been praying extra hard. I'm legit for most, but in Malaysia, stranger things have happened.

After I got it, I kept to myself that sweet little victory. That as much as I'd like to say I did everything myself, prayers do help.

Sometimes when I joined those classes, I think to myself. When a thing is being offered without effort given, ppl do not appreciate it as much. I truly enjoyed every moment cos I made the effort to call up many times, fill in the application forms and followed up and made lotsa preparations for the interviews and preparing my resumes till I get the correct image I wanted to portray. It was like my personality split into 3; uniquely still me, the inexperienced trainee and the potential employer. I re-read all the documents just so I'd be passed off as a legit potential for them to take on.

And I was offered a spanking position at a vendor's location, which I had problem reaching cos I didnt have any transport of my own. I told myself, "Taxi at first, then I'll work it out later."

After a while, I moved to a place near to the company.

I make a lot of effort to be heard; learning by myself and from scratch, without mentor cos the current mentor was applying his effort towards a senior trainee who in my opinion, was wasting his time there cos he had no passion for his work; he never made any effort to learn.

In my opinion; a person do not need to be talented to do something, all they need is preseverence and not give up attitude. It's only matter of time for a talentless-but-hardworking person to catch up to a genius. Remember Gattaca?

That mentor made me do a lot of documentations, mostly cos I'm female and female's good at documentation. I grit my teeth and did it in my best knowledge; reading up other works and apply it to my work. One time he asked me "Could you speed up the documentation?" and I answered, "Sure, but I wouldnt do a good job" which was heard by everyone in the office as it was open cubicle. I was through being pushed around, and even if I was doing something I hated, I'd rather eat dirt than to do it half-hearted.

My effort was not overlooked by another mentor who helped me made my mark, gave me confidence that I was on the right path. He gave me my opportunity, and it set me off as a serious developer. All those self-learning effort paid off, finally.

While I was working as a trainee, I too took part in organising the teambuilding's first gathering. It took a lot of my time as I do not have any transport. But I made the effort; taking lrts to meeting places, hitching rides..just making the time for the meetings, which mostly happens after work or during weekends. Having friends help a lot in getting transportation problems out of the way.

I remembered the group which was organising the event had a lot of problem getting it's own group members to believe themselves in carrying it off; not enough time, will ppl actually go, what's the itinerary, how many will actually go and lots more.

I merely listened and judged the timeline, thinking to myself if we start extreme marketing, we just might get there. So I told them when my department's head starting to fidget; "If ppl didnt watch movies for 1 time a month, for a couple of months, they'd have the entrance fee ready." cos they were worried the amount we set was too high, considering none of us was actually on working salary that time.

That made a lot of ppl's indecision cleared up, cos if ppl are willing to pay for movies, they are willing to pay for a food-mingling gathering; simple rhetorical comparison. And my dept head tho looked still contemplative, he's willing to go the way if we'd support him all the way. A friend and me was under him that time, and we were supposedly to get the news hot and running. And the time's left 8 months to get 150 fresh trainees to join the gathering.

It was the turning point. No more questions bout how, where or if.

I remembered I did a lot of research on how to contact all team members without costing too much. I got connections to get the list of the trainees and their hp and send massive sms to them, that time yahoo had a beta version which enables sms to be sent thru emails. Then I took lotsa pics from the teambuilding programs and montages with invitations added to build the excitement. Everybody was excited and I got to know lotsa ppl whom I could name off my list, which was a long list. My other team members were wrecking their brains as well while not disrupting our daily job.

For me, time is more precious than money. Cos time equals to effort. And tho effort has a price, our tasks were eating into our personal time for something that pays us nothing. My teamate made the effort to call up to book the place, catering and gifts..all done voluntarily and without needs to be assigned. It was amicable, and I respect her a lot for that. And I respect a lot of our effort that time too, cos we did a lot without being asked and really go the distance, something which money cant buy.

All of us delegated and supported one another. We constantly reassured the teamlead a lot cos the teamlead was smoking a lot during that time I remembered, haha..but we all hold our ends.

We didnt manage to hit the target of 150 believers, but we got 80. It wasnt ideal, but we got the first gathering to start, meaning the rest of the annual gatherings will pick up.

I learnt during the endless meetings and discussions that when one trust the other ppl to do something with guidelines clearly stated, it can be done. It's called having faith in others.

The guidelines are needed cos I remembered in another gathering event, a person offered it's group members that he would pay the exact same amount for each tix they bought. Which for me is insane cos it's wasted effort, de-mines the effort the committee's done and money doesnt solve everything. End of the day, clear outline of guidelines are needed.

I had no experience in organising an event, which was good news for me cos anything goes short of stalking. The thing I love most is when there's no limit set, I can do just about anything and learn from trials and errors. It was great.

And I knew I was a great supporter; a person who supports another into reaching their goals or a teamplayer. My character never lets me to overide over the other person, the only expectations I was trying to prove was mine, if I get overexcited, that's cos I know I can do it, skies' the limit.

The freshie program was called MDC Internship, the teambuilding program was called Leadership and Teambuilding Program (LTP), which had been changed to Keepers of the Flame (KOTF) by the D'JunglePeople.

I learnt a lot from that out-of-comfort-zone sessions. And I meet lotsa ppl whom became friends.

This post is for my sisters; I dont know how to do a lot of things either. I learn as I go, thus you can too.

♠ Mean Streak

I've got a mean streak of obstinancy.

Whenever I hear "No, honey.." or "No, babe.." I'd go "Just watch me..".

We all live by our own certain unmentioned rules, defined by us to suit our comfort, privacy and lifestyle.

I hate limitations or expectations. Whenever I feel a nagging feeling of either, I'd go and destroy both and set my own.

Like in programming, if nobody set any rules on what's the concept on how to do a particular thing, I'd set my own so I can learn and grow, instead of copy paste other ppl's code and reuse them and learn nothing. End result is the same, sometimes faster and better.

I live with boundaries of my belief, environment and decisions, there's lots of personal walls to break down. It doesnt help to have another person to tell me what I can or cannot do. I know what I can or cannot do.

Sometimes, enough is enough.

That's why I never tell people what's in my mind most of the time cos I know I will eat my words, my courage will fail me and I'll take the cowardice way out (And I would never contemplate suicide, I'm way far from taking that way out).

Which explains why for me, living with another person will kill that frail courage.

Imagine when I'm opting to do something which will take up a lot of my time and energy, and he/she goes "I think you should..", which makes me feel like I didnt think properly before I make that decision, makes me feel they assume too much of me, makes me feel inadequate to make a decision for myself. Know that feeling? The feeling they know me better than I do (This does not apply to my sisters, cos I'm older than they are, thus I'm entitled to tell them off).

All I need is a simple nod and a simple phrase "I support you all the way" will do, and stick with it. Not halfway thru the line and go "I told you so.." or "You didnt think it thru..", that just hurts.

Sigh, supporting somebody means helping them with whatever means to reach their goals, even if the supporter bitch a lot, the supporter will still go thru the length of helping them get there intact. Losing faith in the person in carrying out their initial plans is not supportive, but fatally insured to that person cos it made them lose faith in themselves.

Faith is a frail frail thing, which explains a lot of things which requires faith has a support group in it; AA, church, sports..you get my drift.

Supporting somebody in their dreams takes a lot of courage in keeping quiet and holding back own's opinions. Not a lot of dreams make sense, but it's all crucial in the way that person will live their life in the future; courageously independent and confident.

♠ Great Songs

I was listening to my old picklist.

My song list kinda frozen in time cos I'd never update them as each represents a time in my life when I was reminiscing deeply.

I'm with you by Avril Lavigne
I was listening to this song at a lounge, and suddenly time seemed to slow down. As I looked around, I see every movement with clarity..and I know I'd never be a good drinker or smoker, and it's ok. Cos I know what's important to me.

Everytime I close my eyes by Babyface
I saw this first during form5 on the tv's billboard show. It was nearing midnight, the lights in the house's living room were all lit up. My sisters were around catching up to the latest songs. My parents asleep upstairs. The road was empty, the crickets buzzed. It left a deep impression on how stable my life is, where my anchor is..in sarikei.

Click Five, the band
I was listening to their songs thinking how I hate boybands, I was even near nausea with BackstreetBoys. After couple of times unconsciously picking out their songs without even knowing how they look like or how famous they are; I knew I was officially a boyband fan.

From this moment, You are still the one, It's in the way you love me by Shania Twain
My definition of love songs and how a beautiful woman should look like (aside from Halle Berry); one can be small and still make an presence.

Right Here Waiting by Richard Marx
I've listened to this song countless times. My best memory of it was waking up in the university hostel, ground floor, third semester with less ppl, dawn..listening to the walkman's radio with earphone thinking how great if I'd listen to Richard Marx's Right Here Waiting, and I'd have no more prayers, no more regrets. And the dj took that moment to spin it. Talk about perfect timing. I told myself I'd never forget that moment. Third semester was lonely, but I need to take it to catch up with others cos I know my strength and weaknesses. It proves to trust my instinct; I got second-upper class.

Weird by Hanson
My sisters have great taste, in both music and tv dramas and bfs. The song truly represent my definition of not fitting in. So I kinda accepted that I'd never fit in, and that it's ok. And when I know I'm feeling something is not right with me on any particular moment of my life, I'd spin this song and I'd know I'm ok, that it's alright not to fit in. B never questions herself, Nat knows everything there is about being different, and I hope D will learn to accept herself for who she is. We do not have to fit into whatever expectations others have except our own.

The Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice and Love Song for a Vampire by Annie Lennox
Cant remember when I listened to this, but everytime I listened to it assuming the speaker is of good quality; it makes my hair stand and fall. Couldnt shake off the feeling of fascinated and haunted at the same time. Same feeling with the song Love Song for a Vampire by Annie Lennox, less on the hair fall tho.

Long Time Coming and The Greatest Story Ever by Oliver James
First time listened to it when saw the movie What a Girl Wants starring Amanda Bynes, I was about 26 then, a turning point for me cos I've been 26 yrs old since I was in form5 (18 yrs old per se). And when I actually turn that age, I told myself I'd start to turn back time and age back, haha..kidding. It's just a point in life where I got less clumsy and self-conscious bout my actions and consequences, and start to do something about it. Since then, I couldnt stop humming the songs, then I had it downloaded and sing to it everytime I listen to it. The voice just gives me comfort and assurance.

I used to arrange flowers for church services and stuff. And I'd go to the morn market buying flowers or scouring the flower shops near Setapak. Gerberas are quite cheap for me cos it only cost RM1 each and the flowers' petals huge and such brilliant colors. I used cold water with some ice in it and sink the flower stems for couple of minutes so the stems would harden before arranging them. Expired panadols are great for vase roses; the petals last longer and no mosquitoes and the water smell less.

Anyway, I used to go to this shop selling flowers and the owner mentioned that our genes actually have color genes in them, thus whenever we see flowers, it made us happy.

I dont know if it's true or not, but as for the happiness, yeah, it works for me.

What I'm trying to say is; colors and rhythmns lives in our soul.

♠ Panda Eyes

Been catching lotsa ducks lately..the story of my panda-eyes.

I've always thought I'd grow up one day to become a librarian, then I got all the books I'd want to read at my fingertips.

Then internet comes along, and I've never looked back.

WWW is one of humans' greatest achievement, next to my mum's chicken feet recipe.

But I'd like to do something different now, than using my left brain.

I'm really getting restless. Will spend the whole weekend looking for that "something".

♠ Back To The Future

Was watching the classic again.

Sigh..

The movie reminds me of how there's lesser gentlemen around nowadays, what with metrosexuals and gastrosexuals around. It's just a totally different priorities.

And the movie also reminds me of how we can make our own world. That the future is not written yet.

♠ Revelations

Today received my phone month bill.

Shocking. I'm never going to look at it again.

Talked with another friend. Great news, she's going to be a mum in 6 months time.

Ar..makes me so excited hearing good news.

Asked her how she knew that she was pregnant, she said that on a holiday trip, she was feeling listless and no appetite.

Thus went to see the doc. And he directed her to a specialist to confirm. Got 2 soundscan already.

Lovely news. Cant wait to tell the rest.

♠ Opportunity & Chances

Was reading up a blog and love the design it does.

Going to order something and keep it as display, well most of the time anyway.

Cos I can foresee the price increasing as time goes, thus best time to get a piece of it is now.

Sometimes, opportunities comes and goes. I wish I can explain it to my sisters, but it's all a matter of feel.

If you feel you are ready and confident enough to do something, just do it before you lost the courage.

Which explains why confident ppl get more things done, they grab every chances there are.

Preparing oneself is important, cos we never know when chances are going to come and go. Prayer helps, but action counts.

The sport brand got it right; just do it.

♠ Marriage and Divorce

Yeap, it's that deep.

Was catching up on some old blogs and just read up bout one blogger who just got divorced. They remaint amicable, for the sake of their child.

Was watching some drama bout this couple who ended up together thru sheer mistake and got a baby in between, and they made the effort just for the sake of the unborn child, which didnt managed to come to the world, they both got separated for couple of years and by sheer fate, ended up together and got another baby in the end.

I guess not many ppl knows what makes or breaks a relationship. But I do know it takes lotsa effort, and love is a novelty that wears out one day. I know cos I lived amongst college kids for a while. Nothing reminds me the fragility of love than a boy over the window of the toilet screaming into the phone mocking promises they made once.

But I'm not a pessimistic realist, I know there are many ppl who found love in each other and by the sheer strength of their memories, live to the ripe age of retirement and beyond.

For the older generation, kids are the glue of their relationships. For the younger generation, kids are the fence between their needs and their partner's needs, and there's a compromise which needs to be made, or sometimes the guy just went missing. And no, I'm not going to talk bout abortion.

I'm more selfish, I want my freedom and I want kids too; a character flaw.

I've asked couples of my married ex-colls and friends, how do they know the person they were marrying, is right for them?

One went into the stories of his group of friends, and how they've known one another for more than 7 yrs, and how one couple got married even tho she cheated on him and he knew, and how another couple didnt end up together cos she couldnt wait any longer and got married first and he, married a bit later with a women he just met. He didnt tell me his story, I dun think he knows his answer.

Another answered that he prayed. For such a big decision, I dun think I'd just pray. Plus he looked sad when he answered me, hmm..maybe not sad, could be humbled.
Anyway, I cant tell, but it didnt sound positive during that time.

One answered she didnt know, but she said yes on the spot. They knew each other a while, but there's no spark. Then she went to study and came back, and something just hit him. They got married straight after study at tender age 21, and she got couples of adorable boys since then.

And a few more after that married due to blunders, which need to be corrected in case there's anybody counting.

I guess when it comes to marriage and divorce, both take a lot of guts to go thru either one. Anyway, I guess happiness is kinda fickle, it comes and goes on it's own accord. But somebody told me that we can hold on to it, though sometimes holding on requires letting go..I'm still figuring the last one.

♠ Humour and Age

As I aged, my humour grew decrepitably senseless.

As long as there's a cliche punchline somewhere, or a sentence of witty quote, or ended with couple of well-placed curses..I'll crack up.

I'm sorry mum, I think my perspective on life is kinda crooked. Aint ur fault, along the way I think I must've knocked over a big rock and got amnesia.

I'm just not the innocent kid I used to be.

Here's an example:

HER FIRST PAYCHECK

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door, and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her odd little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration, and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "Sure, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the mother-fucking sheetrock!"

- courtesy from MetroDad

♠ Not Smiling

Not smiling..
Doesnt mean I'm sad..
Doesnt mean I'm unhappy..
Doesnt mean I'm depressed.

Not smiling..
Doesnt mean I'm mad..
Doesnt mean I'm melancholy..
Doesnt mean I'm lonely.

Not smiling..
I might be thinking..
I might be lagging..
I might be daydreaming.

Not smiling..
Doesnt mean I'm not smiling forever..
I might smile tomorrow..
I might've smiled yesterday.

Not smiling..
Doesnt mean I should be judged..
By that one caught moment..
Of muscle spasm.

♠ The Mentalist

I hate the mentalist, oh, how I hate it.

I mean, where the heck can a self-absorded narcystic self-righteous consultant working for an imaginary law department, get away with witty insults and hypnotism in every episode, first season anyway.

But I couldnt stop watching it. *sigh..

The power of rhetoric, suggestions and over-zealous confidence is what makes the show. A lot of things aint logical, but it's a good thing, cos there's no doubt that this is a tv drama based on the writers' zeal and ardor for their flavor of the moment.

And the charming double-breasted jacket full suit gabriel-faced down-under man of the moment, is definitely a lollipop worth chewing..until Criminal Minds' back on in September.

♠ We Are Fine

Mum, we are fine.

Dont worry.

I'm eating balance meals, with fruits. I cook my own dish, simple.

Dont worry bout Nat, I've fatten her up, tho not in the right places. G will fatten her up more.

Everything's fine here, will write more till I get that charger.

♠ Loving Thy Family

Angry words, I take back.

To all my sisters; Please forgive and be nice to one another, cos when we all have families of our own, we will hardly have time for one another, thus dont take each other for granted. What you guys do now, the bad; we will be wary each time you try being nice in the future. Bad words speak out loud, is like daggers to ppl's heart, which nobody can take back cos we all have elephant minds, and saying sorry doesnt mean it's ok if you keep on repeating and giving excuses for it. Thus, grow out of our bad habits and mood cos nobody can make way for forever. Haze is bad lately, drink lotsa water.