Verbal abuse is a pattern of behavior that can seriously interfere with one's positive emotional development and, over time, can lead to significant detriment to one's self-esteem, emotional well-being, and physical state. It has been further described as an ongoing emotional environment organized by the abuser for the purposes of control.
The underlying factor in the dynamic of abuse can be viewed as the abuser’s low regard for him- or herself. As the abuser may fear not being "good enough" and/or meeting other’s expectations, the abuser may attempt to place their victim in the position to feel or believe similar things about him or her self.
Verbal abuse typically increases in intensity over time and often escalates to physical abuse as well.
With couples usually during intense verbal abuse, the target of the abuse usually suffers by having lower self-worth and low self-esteem. Because of this, victims may fall into clinical depression and posttraumatic stress disorder. Verbal abuse, although not physically harmful and having no visible signs, is damaging nonetheless.
Verbal abuse is arguably the most common type of abuse which is emotionally traumatic and not yet looked at or taken nearly as seriously as the many other forms of abuse. In reality, however, moderate to severe cases of verbal abuse in which the victim is under constant attack, especially a child, may be even more detrimental to a person or child's health than physical abuse or other forms of abuse.
Verbal abuse starting from a young age may contribute to inferiority complex, machismo attitudes, and many other negative behaviors that plague many people into adulthood. People who feel they are being attacked by a verbal abuser on a regular basis should seek professional counsel and remove themselves from the negative environment if possible.
What is the signs of verbal abuse?
The best way to recognize signs of verbal abuse in an unhealthy relationship is to simply know what a healthy relationship is and what it looks like. Consider the things people value in relationships and the things they want in a healthy and strong relationship.
These could be respect, understanding, forgiveness, acceptance, love, affection, responsibility, hope, faith, prayer, trustworthiness with the ability to connect deeply with someone, and the freedom to be oneself within healthy boundaries. When we think about what constitutes a healthy relationship, it becomes easier to identify when we are in an unhealthy relationship.
Signs of verbal abuse exhibited by the abuser are:
- Actions of ignoring, ridiculing, disrespecting, and criticizing others consistently.
- A manipulation of words.
- Purposeful humiliation of others.
- Accusing others falsely for the purpose of manipulating a person's decision making.
- Manipulating people to submit to undesirable behavior.
- Making others feel unwanted and unloved.
- Threatening to leave the family destitute.
- Placing the blame and cause of the abuse onto others.
- Isolating a person from some type of support system, consisting of friends or family.
Once the victim identifies and recognizes these signs of verbal abuse and realizes the signs he or she can do better, the person can be proactive about finding help.
Actions the victim or target can take include:
- Find a trusted friend, a support group, or a counselor to discuss the situation. A network of supportive relationships can strengthen and uplift.
- Learn about yourself and healthy relationships. It helps to make better choices.
- Know and remember that we are all valuable and deserve to be in relationships that enhance our worth, bring out the best in us, and where we feel safe.
Examples of verbal abuse:
- Words/phrases/actions to reject someone/make someone feel unimportant, e.g., ignoring, and saying things such as "Who wants to be with you?" or "No one would go out with you,"
- Making unkind comments/saying unkind words about someone's clothes, appearance, race, religion, ethnicity, sexual orientation, or what they drink and what they eat are forms of verbal abuse.
- Focus on word definitions to derail a discussion. If one is trying to discuss an uncomfortable topic with a verbal abuser, the abuser will often focus on a particular word or set of words, disagree with how they were used in a sentence, usually assigning a new definition or intent to those words. The verbal abuser usually then claims a "knowledge" of the others intentions or motivation. The usual end result is that two to three sentences into an attempted discussion, the discussion is side-tracked into an argument as the other person attempts to explain and redefine what they meant. This can progress to the point the verbal abuser may insist that only they can determine the definition or intent of the other person's words. Once side-tracked the verbal abuser usually continues to reject any redefinition of words until the other person gets frustrated and gives up. The abuser has "won" the argument by avoiding discussion of the issue at hand.
Psychological abuse, also referred to as emotional abuse, is a form of abuse characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another to behavior that is psychologically harmful. Such abuse is often associated with situations of power imbalance, such as abusive relationships, bullying, child abuse and in the workplace.
As of 1996 there were "no consensus views about the definition of emotional abuse.” As such, clinicians and researchers have offered sometimes divergent definitions of emotional abuse. However, the widely-used Conflict Tactics Scale measures roughly 20 distinct acts of "psychological aggression" in three different categories: Verbal aggression (e.g.,"Your partner has said something to upset/annoy you"); dominant behaviors (e.g., "I have tried to prevent my partner from seeing/speaking to their family"); and jealous behaviors (e.g., "Your partner has accused you of maintaining other parallel relations.").
The U.S. Department of Justice defines emotionally abusive traits as including causing fear by intimidation, threatening physical harm to self, partner, children, or partner's family or friends, destruction of pets and property, forcing isolation from family, friends, or school or work.
In 1996, Health Canada argues that emotional abuse is motivated by urges for "power and control", and defines emotional abuse as including rejecting, degrading, terrorizing, isolating, corrupting/exploiting and "denying emotional responsiveness" as characteristic of emotional abuse.
Andrew Vachss, an author, attorney and former sex crimes investigator, defines emotional abuse as "the systematic diminishment of another. It may be intentional or subconscious (or both), but it is always a course of conduct, not a single event."
Subtler emotionally abusive tactics include insults, putdowns, arbitrary and unpredictable inconsistency, and gaslighting (the denial that previous abusive incidents occurred). Modern technology has led to new forms of abuse, by text messaging and online cyber-bullying.
In a 2007 study, Laurent, et al., report that psychological aggression in young couples is associated with decreased satisfaction for both partners: "psychological aggression may serve as an impediment to couples development because it reflects less mature coercive tactics and an inability to balance self/other needs effectively."
Domestic violence victims will often blame their own behavior, rather than the violent actions of the abuser. Victims may try continually to alter their behavior and circumstances in order to please the abuser.
Women who are being emotionally abused often feel as if they do not own themselves; rather, they may feel that their significant other has nearly total control over them.
Abusers' efforts to dominate their partners have been attributed to low self-esteem or feelings of inadequacy, unresolved childhood conflicts, the stress of poverty, hostility and resentment toward women (misogyny), hostility and resentment toward men (misandry), personality disorders, genetic tendencies and sociocultural influences, among other possible causative factors. Most authorities seem to agree that abusive personalities result from a combination of several factors, to varying degrees.
A causalist view of domestic violence is that it is a strategy to gain or maintain power and control over the victim. This view is in alignment with Bancroft's "cost-benefit" theory that abuse rewards the perpetrator in ways other than, or in addition to, simply exercising power over his or her target(s). He cites evidence in support of his argument that, in most cases, abusers are quite capable of exercising control over themselves, but choose not to do so for various reasons.
The cycle of abuse, or cycle of violence is a social cycle theory developed in the 1970s by Lenore Walker, to explain patterns of behavior in abusive relationship.
Walker's theory rests on the idea that abusive relationships are characterized by a predictable repetitious pattern of abuse, whether emotional, psychological or physical, with psychological abuse nearly always preceding and accompanying physical abuse. Additionally, Walker suggested that sustained periods of living in such a cycle may lead to learned helplessness and battered person syndrome.
Learned helplessness as a technical term in animal psychology and related human psychology means a condition of a human being or an animal in which it has learned to behave helplessly, even when the opportunity is restored for it to help itself by avoiding an unpleasant or harmful circumstance to which it has been subjected.
Battered person syndrome is a physical and psychological condition that is classified as ICD-9 code 995.81 "Battered person syndrome" NEC. The condition is the basis for the battered woman defense that has been used in cases of physically and psychologically abused women who have killed their abusers.
The cycle of abuse concept is widely used in domestic violence programs, particularly in the United States. But critics have argued the theory is flawed as it does not apply as universally as Walker suggested, does not accurately or completely describe all abusive relationships, and favors ideological presumptions over empirical data.
Abusers may aim to avoid household chores or exercise total control of family finances. Abusers can be very manipulative, often recruiting friends, law officers and court officials, even the victim's family to their side, while shifting blame to the victim.
I'm posting this cos somebody close to me is in a verbal abusive relationship. Physical abuse havent happened yet, but the emotional abuse is changing the person I cared for.
I've personally witnessed the cycle of abuse 1 to 4, skipping phase 3 cos the abuser didnt think the actions are wrong, has no respect at all to the person or that no body ever told the abuser off cos the abuser is a good hypocrite and acts well.
I have alexithymia or difficulty identifying and processing my own emotions. Why do I say that? Cos I've been spending years trying to understand why do I feel anger 2 days later after an incident, inability to feel anger and project it effectively and utter helplessness, like when I see a crime in Malaysia and know the criminals will get scott free.
I cannot help somebody who doesnt want to help themselves.
And the worse part is, in an abusive relationship, either party is capable of retaliations.
If a couple is no longer suitable to live with one another, please find a compromise and live apart. It will do well for both health and wealth of mind. And if they have kids, it will do well for the kids too. Cos kids are sensitive to this kind of things, they always know something is wrong. Dont kid urself.
There's a saying; If the man keeps the woman of the house happy, it will be a happy family. Otherwise, the kids will grow up, becoming that man or marrying man of that kind.
PS : All the extracts above I got from wikipedia.
