♠ Learning How To Give Up

I've been thinking lately of giving up an old hobby cos I never seem to have time for it, making too much excuses for it and it's getting harder to get into the mode.

I wonder how does one give up, cos I've never done that before.

Even if I do not do something well, practice always makes perfect. And I always do my best with my capabilities during that time, with whatever knowledge I've got.

Perhaps instead of giving up, I should say, lowering my expectations towards my capability.

Instead of sewing that vision into something I can see and hold, I should sew something secondary to what is in my mind, at least I've done half of what I wanted to do.

Mediocre; I've never done that before. It's always been do or dont mentality.

That's why in comparison, letting go or giving up on that dream is easier than living life half-heartedly.

I'm still learning how to give up.

♠ Decisions and Opportunities

Timing.

Sometimes, it may come at the worst of timings.

That's why in my opinion, we should be prepared in case the timing comes for opportunities to show up.

And when opportunities we never thought about do show up at the worse of timings, we should always weigh the decisions we are going to make against the consequences / results from the decisions we make.

Then we'd know the sacrifices / things we lost from making that decisions going to be too overwhelming to take, and it wont be the best decisions to make.

Well, at least that's how I make mine, by listening to my heart and hears the noises that come with it. If it's calm, means it's a potentially good decisions, and I will have to live with whatever consequences that comes with it. Thus I'd imagine the worst case scenarios that might happen and think bout how I'd react to it.

Whether an opportunity is a regret or not, it's all a matter of perceptions. If we can live with it without losing the things which are precious to us, then it's not a regret at all.

There's always other opportunities looming, if there isnt; make or forge one.

Like what the saying goes, "When a door is closed, a window always opens somewhere.."

Good luck always comes to those who live life optimistically and simple minded, well, that's what I always think anyway.

♠ I love you, but you pisses me off..

Nat,

I really love u.

But u really piss me off.

I wish nat would grow up faster..without resorting me to nagging.

♠ Good Days, Bad Days

These few days I've been having bad days.

Waking up late, soaked by the time I reached office, pissed off at work and snapping at colleagues.

I'd have sleepy eyes through lunch, and by the time I woke up; it's high noon.

And when it's time to leave, I'd have a blasted headache and I realised that when I'm pissed and tired, I work and walk loudly; the louder it is, the better I'd feel.

Like today after work, I could only hear my heels fiercely digging holes onto the mrt floor. I felt like kicking my heels against a door, slap a person or two and felt the whoosh of wind coming from behind me, which in another word; I'm frustrated.

Lately, I'd need to wake up to rock songs. My attention span's highest at night, lowest in the morning.

I have this therapy where during my journey to work and back, I'd try to shut out the outside noise and find a peaceful center. I've vowed not to listen to music or play games or watch movies while I'm on those trips cos those acts make life easier to pass by, and I want to feel every moment.

Sometimes I'd imagine I'm listening to this song, how the throaty voice intimately whispers to me, begging for a listening ear and then soaring into the sky. And I'd catch myself on the glass smiling.

Those were the days..

♠ Time

As I grow older, I realise, a lot of ppl I looked up to, turned out to be bitches, bastards and a whole lot more in between.

I guess, it does make me think, that I have bad taste in people. That I make bad choices or shallow minded.

Then I realise one thing; if I do not make as much bad decisions when I am young, when am I gonna learn something? It's always good to go through as much bad choices while one is young, than when one is older and should know better.

My sis can make mistakes with such confidence and style; I guess I should learn that from her.

Que sera sera..like my mum always sings. Just ride the wave of life, I guess..

♠ Growing Pain

I realise for me, growing career wise involves a lot of wall-banging exercise.

Sometimes, it's an orange brick wall.

Other times, it's merely a thick transparent wall, why is it thick? Cos it has a window with thick frames.

Sometimes knocking my head on those walls makes me think better, make better decisions and encourages a lot of different approaches; just to break that wall.

The exercise tires me, it bores me..but it's necessary.

I'm nearing the end of the exercise, I'm perfecting the expression of nonchalance.

Yea, right..I'm gonna swear and cuss just like everybody else.

And that's as near as I'll ever get to a cigarette; I'm just selfish with my lung.

♠ Questions..on a monday.

My manager asked me a question today, "How prepared are you with JAVA?"

I've just moved my table to another position, doing another system while maintaining and supporting 3 others concurrently.

And I was enhancing the new system while doing pl/sql, pro*c and sqr concurrently when he asked me that question.

I wanted to answer "Yes." cos he was badgering me and I've got datelines to meet.

I guess, a longer answer like "I'm currently doing pl/sql, pro*c and sqr right now, if you'd like to assign JAVA programs to me, I'll deliver it." would be more appropriate.

I guess, what I'm trying to say is, the question is redundant.

Language becomes redundant to me. I'm no longer amazed by how many languages I can learn.

I'm more amazed by how short a leash I have on my mood.

It surprises me.

What kind of person am I becoming? I dont lost my temper.

I need to take a seat back and re-analyse. I wish I can be a better person; a stabler person. A rock.

Yea, a rock's fine.

Has been thinking lately, the difference between those who do and those who dream.

The thing that differentiates; vision.

I'm concocting my own recipe of vision for my own purpose at my own pace..which is like evolution slow and going nowhere at the moment.

So, I guess the next best thing is just do it already.

My brain's full..I need a break. *blergh..

And I'm breaking out in rashes. Life sux..on monday.