Woke up this morn with my face slightly puff up, looked nice without the usual crease.
Washed up and go, pulled up my stocking and looked out the window, squinting to see if there's drizzles of rain. Grabbed an umbrella and saw there's 2 hanging by the cupboard side, realising nat didnt keep an umbrella at her working place. Should nag her.
Went to the fridge and grabbed a vitagen. Usually would sit down on a chair beside the shoe shelf to put on the shoes, but I was late thus I just slipped my feet in and squeezed the shoes in without using my hands.
Locked the door, pressed on the lift button. Empty; went in and pressed ground floor. Pulled out the ipod's earphone, searched Juwito's You in Me and feel grateful and humbled as I walked into the day, as rain fell from the sky.
Walked to the mrt, thinking luckily as I wore on a jacket and it's friday. Thinking casual wear and college jacket and a brief case; would that work? I dont know, but it felt warm against the cold wet day.
Mrt's full as usual, but I'm using the circle line and there's lotsa 1 station stops. Still, I dont like ppl touching or pushing against me even though I know in the mrt, comfort zone is impossible. Partly it was too early for me to handle people, makes me nervous and fidgety, cause I just woke up.
Stayed in my little world for a while as Juwito's song looped. Realised it's more of a choir song than a commercial one, thinking I've got my little peace right here amongst crowd. Thinking, some ppl stand in a crowd and feel lonely. I feel I'm surrounded by ppl even when I'm not, cos I know I'm loved.
I feel gratitude each day in my life for a warm bed and food on the table and that there's a greater power looking after us. I believe as long as we do good, whichever religion we are doesnt matter as long as we live good lives. By definition of good, I mean dun steal or kill another human being.
Arrived at work, thinking I walked too fast nowadays without regards for other ppl, thinking I should slow down. Thinking bout last nite's work, thinking where else I could've done differently to solve it.
Saw the cleaning lady and greeted her; a sight for sore eyes. She gave me a large rice dumpling she made during a dumpling fest some time ago, I brought home for nat and she loved it. Thinking I should get her nice hair clips one day just cause I wanted to. I think I do ppl injustice if I do things because I need to.
Sat on my place, different from my previous seating due to change of job scope and system maintenance; facing the wall. Makes me think more inwardly, while looking for answers. White walls are great for pondering. After a good sleep, I have a clean slate for permutations of approaches.
Thinking, the problem seems much more complex than the solution. Thinking, if all these while have been stable except for yesterday. Thinking, mayb I've been looking at it the wrong way. Re-do my steps; start fresh from square one. Berate myself for time and effort wasted, and wasting my new lead's time as well.
Sometimes a problem is as simple as the solutions. So simple, sometimes it eludes me. Got the answer, test to confirm and let my lead knows bout my mistake and the solution yesterday worked. Thinking I'm so sorry wasting her time and mine. Hoping I'd learnt something out of this. Drilling the idea that sometimes, the stupidest/simplest solution might just be the answer.
My lead's been teaching me lotsa stuff. She's open to my questioning, patient in answering them and diligent in implementing her style of work into a workplace of slippery routine and shoddy workmanship. Thinking, I've got loads to learn from her, in terms of problem shooting and work implementations. Previous lead makes me feel uncomfortable asking questions, this lead is encouraging.
Nowadays, I'm more easy to work with cos I've accepted how other ppl do things. I was angry cos I thought ppl could've done better, cos adults are supposedly to be able to learn faster. But I realise, some ppl are happy with their methods though they knew it's inefficient, as unhappy with their styles, I have learnt to accept it.
Realised, being adults are complex cos of the rules we made ourselves live in. As kids, everything is easy. Adults, many things are grey and changes accordingly. I guess we learn to be guilty due to conventions and boundaries in our growing ups. As children, we dont have that boundaries yet.
Sometimes, I like watching kids cos it made me think life is easy, and it keeps life at a perspective. It doesnt make me want to have one now, cos I havent found a person worth the effort yet, no matter how my parent pushes me towards that direction. I guess some things, we just got to take them slow with unbias perspective.
I like to think I have a control in my life, but I dont live with enough convictions. Not enough by my standards. Talking doesnt count much, it's redundant to repeat. By convictions, I mean bringing my thoughts to life. I cant say this enough, but I dont live much by my context.
Watching the good wife lately, love the dressing and accessories. Saw an episode where Alicia was crying over bills cos she was afraid unable to afford living in her current lifestyle with her family without her work cos the husband was under house arrest and she's the bread winner.
Her kid saw her and asked what's wrong. She puts things back into perspective. I like the way she approached her boss asking when she was put in a position competing with a younger junior lawfirm associate;
"I dont know what to do.
I've worked hard.
You said that's not enough; so I'll work harder.
You tell me Cary can work harder still, so what do you want.
Tell me what you want because I cant lose this job."
Thinking, a lot of times in my work and life; I dont know what to do and I guess that's ok cos I've talked to ppl and they dont know either. Adults dont know everything. I guess we are at best, toddler learning how to walk still. When at lost; ask for directions.
Realising, there's many approaches to a problem and all solutions have results and consequences. I'm better now at implementing solutions cos I've accepted I need to solve whatever solutions I put down. Taking responsibility; first step to my convictions.
Had lunch with the gang today; dimsum. Ate a lot and talked a lot; reminiscing a lot of kl life. Missed the time driving to meet friends and chatted and laughing aloud. Dont miss the traffic jam.
Had a fire drill today. Drizzling still when we walked down the staircase. Finished faster compared to last year, assuming feedbacks work. Took the back lift due to bottleneck of the lobby lifts. Good solution not to follow the crowd today.
Had discussion with the lead for another project. Finished with clarity of what I need to do even though I'm still unfamiliar with the system. Like what I said; encouraging lead. Been with previous team for a year, dont think I learnt anything new. Realised reading aloud sometimes puts things in understanding.
Realise, I dont do things just cause ppl say so. Also, the new lead tells me to go home. I really appreciate that cos it's an indication that she cares. This is one reason ppl stay. I think the main reason any corporations are losing talents is cos they've forgotten they were once employees.
Learnt another thing from the good wife. A lawyer said something when being questioned how she learnt the stuff she knows when the enforcement missed out and she replied, "They werent looking". That makes me think that we need to question more, even if it's the smallest details. More information makes better decisions.
A coll transfered to different dept today. Thinking, should I do the same? Do I need to switch lunch buddies though the dept is on the same floor, just a few table away? Cos other team's manager awknowledges work done and pays compliments due. Current manager just expects things, never awknowledges nor compliments. I do things by my standards, not sacrificing for somebody else's..no matter how emotional I get. Currently I'm contemplating loyalty and self-interest; no win so far.
Came home, cold still and had dinner with sis. Overload on dimsum. Overstuffed myself. A day passed. Repeat again on monday, until then..a day had passed.
When I Am Old, I
4 years ago
