♠ Helpless

Verbal abuse (also called reviling) is a form of abusive behavior involving the use of language. It is a form of profanity that can occur with or without the use of expletives.

Verbal abuse is a pattern of behavior that can seriously interfere with one's positive emotional development and, over time, can lead to significant detriment to one's self-esteem, emotional well-being, and physical state. It has been further described as an ongoing emotional environment organized by the abuser for the purposes of control.

The underlying factor in the dynamic of abuse can be viewed as the abuser’s low regard for him- or herself. As the abuser may fear not being "good enough" and/or meeting other’s expectations, the abuser may attempt to place their victim in the position to feel or believe similar things about him or her self.

Verbal abuse typically increases in intensity over time and often escalates to physical abuse as well.

With couples usually during intense verbal abuse, the target of the abuse usually suffers by having lower self-worth and low self-esteem. Because of this, victims may fall into clinical depression and posttraumatic stress disorder. Verbal abuse, although not physically harmful and having no visible signs, is damaging nonetheless.

Verbal abuse is arguably the most common type of abuse which is emotionally traumatic and not yet looked at or taken nearly as seriously as the many other forms of abuse. In reality, however, moderate to severe cases of verbal abuse in which the victim is under constant attack, especially a child, may be even more detrimental to a person or child's health than physical abuse or other forms of abuse.

Verbal abuse starting from a young age may contribute to inferiority complex, machismo attitudes, and many other negative behaviors that plague many people into adulthood. People who feel they are being attacked by a verbal abuser on a regular basis should seek professional counsel and remove themselves from the negative environment if possible.

What is the signs of verbal abuse?

The best way to recognize signs of verbal abuse in an unhealthy relationship is to simply know what a healthy relationship is and what it looks like. Consider the things people value in relationships and the things they want in a healthy and strong relationship.

These could be respect, understanding, forgiveness, acceptance, love, affection, responsibility, hope, faith, prayer, trustworthiness with the ability to connect deeply with someone, and the freedom to be oneself within healthy boundaries. When we think about what constitutes a healthy relationship, it becomes easier to identify when we are in an unhealthy relationship.

Signs of verbal abuse exhibited by the abuser are:
- Actions of ignoring, ridiculing, disrespecting, and criticizing others consistently.
- A manipulation of words.
- Purposeful humiliation of others.
- Accusing others falsely for the purpose of manipulating a person's decision making.
- Manipulating people to submit to undesirable behavior.
- Making others feel unwanted and unloved.
- Threatening to leave the family destitute.
- Placing the blame and cause of the abuse onto others.
- Isolating a person from some type of support system, consisting of friends or family.

Once the victim identifies and recognizes these signs of verbal abuse and realizes the signs he or she can do better, the person can be proactive about finding help.

Actions the victim or target can take include:
- Find a trusted friend, a support group, or a counselor to discuss the situation. A network of supportive relationships can strengthen and uplift.
- Learn about yourself and healthy relationships. It helps to make better choices.
- Know and remember that we are all valuable and deserve to be in relationships that enhance our worth, bring out the best in us, and where we feel safe.

"Verbal abuse includes withholding, bullying, defaming, defining, trivializing, harassing, interrogating, accusing, blaming, blocking, countering, diverting, lying, berating, taunting, putting down, edifying, discounting, threatening, name-calling, yelling and raging."

Examples of verbal abuse:
- Words/phrases/actions to reject someone/make someone feel unimportant, e.g., ignoring, and saying things such as "Who wants to be with you?" or "No one would go out with you,"
- Making unkind comments/saying unkind words about someone's clothes, appearance, race, religion, ethnicity, sexual orientation, or what they drink and what they eat are forms of verbal abuse.
- Focus on word definitions to derail a discussion. If one is trying to discuss an uncomfortable topic with a verbal abuser, the abuser will often focus on a particular word or set of words, disagree with how they were used in a sentence, usually assigning a new definition or intent to those words. The verbal abuser usually then claims a "knowledge" of the others intentions or motivation. The usual end result is that two to three sentences into an attempted discussion, the discussion is side-tracked into an argument as the other person attempts to explain and redefine what they meant. This can progress to the point the verbal abuser may insist that only they can determine the definition or intent of the other person's words. Once side-tracked the verbal abuser usually continues to reject any redefinition of words until the other person gets frustrated and gives up. The abuser has "won" the argument by avoiding discussion of the issue at hand.

Psychological abuse, also referred to as emotional abuse, is a form of abuse characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another to behavior that is psychologically harmful. Such abuse is often associated with situations of power imbalance, such as abusive relationships, bullying, child abuse and in the workplace.

As of 1996 there were "no consensus views about the definition of emotional abuse.” As such, clinicians and researchers have offered sometimes divergent definitions of emotional abuse. However, the widely-used Conflict Tactics Scale measures roughly 20 distinct acts of "psychological aggression" in three different categories: Verbal aggression (e.g.,"Your partner has said something to upset/annoy you"); dominant behaviors (e.g., "I have tried to prevent my partner from seeing/speaking to their family"); and jealous behaviors (e.g., "Your partner has accused you of maintaining other parallel relations.").

The U.S. Department of Justice defines emotionally abusive traits as including causing fear by intimidation, threatening physical harm to self, partner, children, or partner's family or friends, destruction of pets and property, forcing isolation from family, friends, or school or work.

In 1996, Health Canada argues that emotional abuse is motivated by urges for "power and control", and defines emotional abuse as including rejecting, degrading, terrorizing, isolating, corrupting/exploiting and "denying emotional responsiveness" as characteristic of emotional abuse.

Andrew Vachss, an author, attorney and former sex crimes investigator, defines emotional abuse as "the systematic diminishment of another. It may be intentional or subconscious (or both), but it is always a course of conduct, not a single event."

Subtler emotionally abusive tactics include insults, putdowns, arbitrary and unpredictable inconsistency, and gaslighting (the denial that previous abusive incidents occurred). Modern technology has led to new forms of abuse, by text messaging and online cyber-bullying.

In a 2007 study, Laurent, et al., report that psychological aggression in young couples is associated with decreased satisfaction for both partners: "psychological aggression may serve as an impediment to couples development because it reflects less mature coercive tactics and an inability to balance self/other needs effectively."

Domestic violence victims will often blame their own behavior, rather than the violent actions of the abuser. Victims may try continually to alter their behavior and circumstances in order to please the abuser.

Women who are being emotionally abused often feel as if they do not own themselves; rather, they may feel that their significant other has nearly total control over them.

Abusers' efforts to dominate their partners have been attributed to low self-esteem or feelings of inadequacy, unresolved childhood conflicts, the stress of poverty, hostility and resentment toward women (misogyny), hostility and resentment toward men (misandry), personality disorders, genetic tendencies and sociocultural influences, among other possible causative factors. Most authorities seem to agree that abusive personalities result from a combination of several factors, to varying degrees.

A causalist view of domestic violence is that it is a strategy to gain or maintain power and control over the victim. This view is in alignment with Bancroft's "cost-benefit" theory that abuse rewards the perpetrator in ways other than, or in addition to, simply exercising power over his or her target(s). He cites evidence in support of his argument that, in most cases, abusers are quite capable of exercising control over themselves, but choose not to do so for various reasons.

The cycle of abuse, or cycle of violence is a social cycle theory developed in the 1970s by Lenore Walker, to explain patterns of behavior in abusive relationship.

Walker's theory rests on the idea that abusive relationships are characterized by a predictable repetitious pattern of abuse, whether emotional, psychological or physical, with psychological abuse nearly always preceding and accompanying physical abuse. Additionally, Walker suggested that sustained periods of living in such a cycle may lead to learned helplessness and battered person syndrome.

Learned helplessness as a technical term in animal psychology and related human psychology means a condition of a human being or an animal in which it has learned to behave helplessly, even when the opportunity is restored for it to help itself by avoiding an unpleasant or harmful circumstance to which it has been subjected.

Battered person syndrome is a physical and psychological condition that is classified as ICD-9 code 995.81 "Battered person syndrome" NEC. The condition is the basis for the battered woman defense that has been used in cases of physically and psychologically abused women who have killed their abusers.

The cycle of abuse concept is widely used in domestic violence programs, particularly in the United States. But critics have argued the theory is flawed as it does not apply as universally as Walker suggested, does not accurately or completely describe all abusive relationships, and favors ideological presumptions over empirical data.

Abusers may aim to avoid household chores or exercise total control of family finances. Abusers can be very manipulative, often recruiting friends, law officers and court officials, even the victim's family to their side, while shifting blame to the victim.

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I'm posting this cos somebody close to me is in a verbal abusive relationship. Physical abuse havent happened yet, but the emotional abuse is changing the person I cared for.

I've personally witnessed the cycle of abuse 1 to 4, skipping phase 3 cos the abuser didnt think the actions are wrong, has no respect at all to the person or that no body ever told the abuser off cos the abuser is a good hypocrite and acts well.

I have alexithymia or difficulty identifying and processing my own emotions. Why do I say that? Cos I've been spending years trying to understand why do I feel anger 2 days later after an incident, inability to feel anger and project it effectively and utter helplessness, like when I see a crime in Malaysia and know the criminals will get scott free.

I cannot help somebody who doesnt want to help themselves.

And the worse part is, in an abusive relationship, either party is capable of retaliations.

If a couple is no longer suitable to live with one another, please find a compromise and live apart. It will do well for both health and wealth of mind. And if they have kids, it will do well for the kids too. Cos kids are sensitive to this kind of things, they always know something is wrong. Dont kid urself.

There's a saying; If the man keeps the woman of the house happy, it will be a happy family. Otherwise, the kids will grow up, becoming that man or marrying man of that kind.

PS : All the extracts above I got from wikipedia.

♠ Weekend

Now looking for dramas to watch.

Think gonna look at Lie To Me, where there's bunch of ppl reading ppl's expressions and body languages.

Now watching Naruto, the episode's story bout the teacher kakashi when he was a student. And how he lost an eye and gained his friend's Sharingan eye.

Teacher Kakashi is a great teacher and loves to read books. But his teacher was better. It was awesome.

Anyway, Kakashi as a team leader, he was perceived as cold and objective driven. He traveled in a standard team of 3 and a teacher. All the teamates gave Kakashi a present during one of their trip, except for one, who was of his teamate was passionate and values friendship above the mission, and when one teamate was caught, he vowed to go ahead to save her without assistance of the teacher. Kakashi didnt join at first, but he arrived to save them in nick of time but lost an eye. But accidents happened and his teamate was caught underneath the rocks. In his final breath, he said he knew what's the best present to gave Kakashi; his Sharingan eye. So now Kakashi is no longer a cold person cos the eye of his passionate teamate lives in him now.

I dont really know how can some of Naruto's episode made it to the children's network, cos death do happens in the stories. I pity the parents of the children watching Naruto having to explain bout after life and stuff, only to get questions like "But then they come back with special powers, like in Naruto. Can we do that too?" It's tougher explaining what is reality, cartoons and fantasy.

I like the story of naruto. I'd recommend it for stories on responsibility, teamwork, leadership and friendship.

There's a lot of lessons to impart. I particularly like Naruto and Lee.

Naruto cos he never gives up and selfless to a fault. But his temper and impulsiveness can be his downfall.

Lee cos he doesnt has powers like the others but he never gives up training so he can protect his friends better. He even succeeded in training while sleeping.

Today is a day of many things.

Blogger reaches it's birthday.

And the house I lived in for so many yrs has been finalised to be sold off.

Even when my mum hadnt arrived for the finalisation, an aunt from my father's side already been to the house, scavenging.

My mum was shocked, but I presume she wouldnt scavenge without permission.

There's a lot of things in my life where I looked the other way, cos staring at it face to face doesnt solve anything. Wouldnt solve anything.

It's good also, at least the house would have less things to move for the new owner.

Treat other ppl as we'd treat ourselves. Sometimes I hold to that, other times I curse silently and wishes the worst of ppl. But I believe, what goes around, comes around.

There's couple of things I'd miss.

The tall mango tree and the stumpy coconut tree at the backyard.

The frontyard memory where I once came home to a beautiful scenery of daisies which my mum planted. And also where we had outdoor picnic with the neighbourhood friends.

The gutter where we used to collect all the balls which dropped into it. All my sisters and I are quite adept at climbing deep gutters.

My room upstairs where I used to do a lot of my crafts, daydreams and storage for a lot of future projects. It was shifted to a pepper storage room once.

My sisters room where we used to paste the walls with posters from Galaxie mags which I used to subscribe for a year with my parttime money. I used to have fun waiting for the mags to arrive.

The kitchen where I used to do dishes. All of us have chores. B handles cooking, I handle cutting and cleaning, Nong handles sweeping n DD handles mopping. Me and B switched between washing clothes, but she skipped a lot.

The back balcony where we'd clean up the chickens mum killed, or wash the mosquito nettings for CNY. We made the kites at the back balcony too, easy to get the stem from the coconut trees.

The living room where all of us used to lie and sleep the days like snakes on the stones on a hot day.

I remembered accompanying mum n dad to go see the house for the first time.

The mango tree at the back was still small, I think the boss said the mango tree was from the worker who ate the mango and threw the seeds at the back. So we were lucky to have a mango tree once we moved in. Not sure if that's the correct memory I have, mayb it was my friends memories. That's the thing about memories, we hear so many stories and imagine many things that some things got mixed up. Need to ask mum to confirm though.

I cant remember the day we moved in though. I have very little memories of when I was young. Sometimes they come back in form of deja-vu.

Anyway, one more load off my mum's shoulder. Hope she travels light starting from today.

♠ Storytime

Here's a story.

Once upon a time, there's this little girl who's curious bout a lot of things.

She's curious why her mum was working so hard day and night.

She tried to help out a little by washing the clothes herself and got scoldings instead.

She vowed to grow up one day to lessen her mum's burden.

When she's grown up enough, she got scholarship to study in the country's university.

Her dad used up all the school's savings to buy stocks and lossed them all.

She vowed never to gamble.

When she graduated, she helped taking care of her siblings and advicing them to return the favors to the next siblings.

She took care of one; paying the rentals, bills, food and clothing. She even took care of transport. She took care of all those so the sibling would focus on study and graduate and support mum.

She took care of two; paying the rentals, bills, food and clothing. She left transport with sibling one. She took care of all those so the sibling would had less depression in life and found a good work and support mum.

None favors were returned cos none could afford to return the favor yet, or too selfish to spare any favor.

She lived her life thinking, if one day she's no longer around, would any of her siblings treat each other as she had treated them.

That all her actions actually imparted some sort of lesson.

That somehow, her patience was actually appreciated.

She hoped one day, when she's no longer around, that her siblings would treat each other with a lot of respect and generousity without thoughts of self.

That her siblings would returned the favor and took care of the mum who gave birth to all of them and work hard to provide for them and support them till they were old enough to provide for themselves.

That if one of the sibling got married, would that sibling be able to support the mum as well as the sibling support own family?

That if another of the sibling got married, would that sibling be able to support the mum if the sibling's working for the family-in-law?

How many more excuses are enough until the favors are returned?

Promise me you will all take care of mum. Promise and remember that promise in your heart and mind or I will come back and haunt you for life. I promise I will if you have too many excuses, and you know I keep my promises.

♠ 911

September 11th.

A friend's baby's birthday.

A day of losses and memoirs.

A day where heroes are born of civilians.

A day that says terrorism is very much alive, but also that we shouldnt live life in paranoia.

Sleep tight, sweet dreams and may God bless every animals, child, man and woman or aliens..boundless by age, race, gender, religion, country, species or planet.

Amen.

♠ Frequency

Am watching that movie now.

Bout a boy, growing up without a father into a depress frustrated drinking man.

One day, he dragged an old radio out of his father's box and one raining night, somebody contacted him thru the radio.

It was his father who died in a fire long ago.

So the son, told his dad to go the other way during an important event that's gonna happen the next day.

And his dad took his advice, and didnt die.

Then every bad steps the son did, re-written by itself.

And the story become from regrets to memories.

The story also reminds me that a good man can be destroyed by shame, regrets, booze and depression.

I dont have much regrets in my life, therefore whenever I think "What if life suddenly turned back time and gave me a second chance?"

Would I have done anything differently?

So far, I havent thought bout anything cos I did what was best during that time with whatever resources I have. My mum tought me that.

Who I am, my mum taught me all that. I dont have much memories of my dad.

My mum and dad used to fight a lot during when I was young. Mostly it's verbal.

I wrote them a letter, hoping they would quit fighting.

For a while it did. I cant remember how long, but I dont think it was long enough.

I wish I can do something differently bout that. If I can give up ten yrs of my life just so my mum and dad would live happily and harmoniously for the rest of their lives together, then consider it done.

I'd rather live a short and happy life than a long and miserable one.

Life is so short to waste on pride, who's right and fightings.

Anyway, just ramblings. Nothing changes anyway.

♠ Just Thoughts

I was walking by the lottery shop, on the way home.

Then I walked in, trying to see what is it that makes ppl keeps on buying those scraps of paper.

There's ppl filling in some paper by the counter against the wall.

I queed up, waiting and watching them scribbling the numbers.

I waited a while, then I figure since I was standing there, I should be filling in those papers too.

I took one, and looked at it.

Then I put that piece of paper into my briefcase and walked out.

I've never won anything in my life, except that cd of Gloria Estefan from Galaxie one time.

Plus I dun really believe in luck much, like scribbling over a piece of paper and wait for the pennies to drop from the skies.

Which of course means I'd have a hard life ahead of me, haha..but it's a choice.

To think I'm in my late twenties and I took my first step to the lottery shop. Shite, I didnt even know how to fill the forms.

Maybe one day when I have nothing but some spare in my pocket and lotsa time in my hands, I'll go back to those shops and fill in some numbers.

Until then, dreaming of winning the pots..is not the dream for me.

PS : Yes, I'm a loser.

♠ Dreaming

Been thinking a while..well, dreaming mostly..in the mrt.

Was thinking;

"What would happen, if I was to go back 5 years back, knowing what I've known now."

And I was thinking, it would be cool to work for a PI. Not in Malaysia of course, cos no crimes ever got solved there.

Let me rephrase that; crimes do get solved, but sometimes no actions are taken.

But yea, I'd really love to work for some investigating company, doing gritty brain work, getting into the brains of whodunit.

I mean I'm good with details, I'm good at thinking from different aspect and angles and I've got lotsa patience.

Anyway, just dreaming while waiting for the destination to arrive.

♠ Last Dream

Last night I had a dream.

I saw my grandparents still alive and well.

We were at a shopping mall, sitting.

And grandma was feeding grandpa porridge with pickles in it.

Complaining bout not having enough in life; money related.

Grandpa just keep quiet and let grandma feed him.

So I hugged grandma and said, "Nong's working soon. I will send you the money every month."

I knew they were no longer around.

But I wanted to give them peace of mind. I dont mind money that much, cos it can be earned.

But peace of mind; that cant be bought.

I do miss them.

♠ Responsibilities

I love responsibilities.

Cos it comes together with other magnificient traits; trust, dependability and more responsibilities.

With my current work, I'm handling a couple of systems; in charge of one, maintaining another.

I was asking the team lead today, requesting to change a program cos it wasnt behaving as efficient, meaning it's causing occassional bugs that required adhoc patches. Occassional as in 3 times a year of working here.

But my team lead didnt trust my judgement yet, fearing my suggested solution might cause unretrievable failures and partly cos she's not familiar with the system.

So I suggested to do the adhoc patch only. Skip the change of the program for later date.

And tell myself that in another year's time, I will be in charge of a couple more systems. And wont sacrifice my personal time; meaning go back on the dot and do other stuff like study or spend time with family.

It's all a matter of time; I've only been here a year. Except now I'm looking for a balance between the work and the person.

Anyway, trust needs to be earned. Same for respect. And I still have long way ahead of me, which I'm truly grateful.

Cos for me; to be labeled a potential is better than a master, but expert sells better in this industry. Novice sux cos it means one has to protect their arse and proves themselves at the same time..let's just say it's a very vulnerable spot to be in.

A potential is where one can still make mistakes and admits it. And there's lotsa room for growth.

A master means there's the reputation to care for; so mistakes got to be less and far in between or credentials will be skewered.

An expert is a person who's advice is taken seriously for whatever decisions made. It's same as consultant, used to think consultant is cool, but after sometime working here, the position consultant started to sound dirty to me cos it means Con+Insult, which I think sometimes is true.

Cos imagine somebody with all the paper merits but just fresh out of school telling a 10-yr experienced manager how to handle their system better. Sometimes, it's a novelty, sometimes, it's like hearing a fairy tale story, sometimes it works when re-vamp the whole system (which will suck the department dry of budget). Anyway, end of the day; the portfolios' what counts for a good consultant, plus excellent communication skills.

Anyway, responsibilities in work usually means better pay package if I asked for it and backed it up.

And responsibilities in life means a hell more.

Like taking care of my family. Once I'm able to do that, I'm capable of taking good care of my future family some day, sort of like a prototype.

For me, taking care of anybody is a privilege. And that for me, equals love.

♠ Lift Incident

I was walking home, as usual.

When I reached the lift, I pushed the button as usual.

There was a lady talking on the phone, and when the lift opened, I feel odd how come she didnt go in the lift since she was there earlier than me.

Then I saw there's a guy in the lift.

I pushed the button to my floor. She pushed the button to her floor, still on the phone. Then he pushed the button to his floor, which just coincidently happen to be between mine and the girl.

I didnt feel uneasy, but I know something wasnt right. The lift opened at floor 2. And I knew I need to get out at the same floor as the lady.

So when the lift reached her floor, I stepped out with her.

She was still on the phone. Didnt even get the keys out to her door yet.

I walked to the staircase, which was just beside the lift. There wasnt any door to the stairway.

I waited a while at the staircase, cos his stop was just a floor above.

I waited cos if he lived there, I was being silly.

But then, I saw a quiet feet at the top of the staircase.

I quickly moved and walked casually towards the lady talking on the phone.

The guy who supposedly lived on the floor above the lady; he was exiting thru the staircase quietly as his feet didnt make much sound.

I waited a while, until I knew the coast was clear, I quickly walked up to my floor.

If I ever saw a glimpse of some weird ppl again, I'm calling the cops or the nearest crimewatch center. I've got trigger friendly handphone fingers now.

Sometimes..feeling something isnt quite right, doesnt just involved the heart; but also the mind.

If something doesnt feel right, doesnt seem right; there's always a reason. If cant think of a single logic reason, just drop everything and go. Think about it when safe at home or somewhere else.

And no, this doesnt apply for schooling or whatever that involves studying; cos it usually means one is lazy.

And if one is thinking bout quiting their current job, quiting doesnt mean living off the parents or relatives or friends; cos it usually means one is taking the shortcuts, and life aint got no shortcuts.

The shortest cut I know is working hard and smart. Apply both with vigor and never stop improving, and one will never starve.

What I'm trying to say is..at times, we just got to go with our own instinct.