♠ Not Doing Well

This month, is not right.

First; there's the haze.

Second; I got mult systems' production release, which causes some issues.

Thirdly; I got chided this month more than all the years I've been working here.

Fourthly; my parents behaved like a bunch of kids.

Fifth; I tot I was doing fine, only to realise I've been doing the wrong thing since I joined.

There's so much strikes against me this month; I tot mid life crisis hit me early heads on.

Too bad it's not.

I havent been improving since 3 yrs ago. I've been on learning curve to support users better, but it's not working as well as I'd like and I lost my patience along the way.

I realise I'm a bad teacher coz I cant teach, it could also be coz that person doesnt want to learn.

I'm not improving as a human being, career wise and pay wise. I'm only learning how to read ppl's moods and faces and summarising their sentences.

This feels like a bad relationship; you think you are in love, to realise the other person never loved you at all. How screw up can that be.

I had a dream last night; I was grabbing the wheel and drove to many diff places using unknown roads. It felt really good.

I know if I stayed on, based on how I'm feeling now; there's no way but down.

At my age and with the assistance of gravity; that cant be good.

I realised I havent been smiling lately, and frown more. Aesthetically; it's unpleasant.

A good cry / sex / sparring; I'll be fine.

PS : I just watched Abducted. Spoiler: it's not an abduction and a new action hero is born.

♠ The Internet

I realise I never brief my parents bout the internet.

Most of the time, the internet is a tool.

Anybody with good intentions, will use the internet as an extension to reach certain objective with the intention of benefiting others other than him/her self.

Anybody with selfish intentions, will only use it for their own satisfaction and gains.

It can be addictive especially for the new people using the internet as a social networking tool, ie; chatting and finding out what other ppl is doing or gaming online.

Chatting with strangers without ever needing to meet face to face is a comfort zone where we can imagine the person to agree to everything we wrote and slowly, we'd be blinded by our imaginations thinking that friend, is more than a friend. But it's merely us lying to ourselves thinking there's somebody who'd understand us as well as ourselves, even better than our partner.

Well, let's just say it's a nice illusion, created by us as an escapism from the mundane of daily routine and dissappointments of not achieving our desires. Wait till the person we chat meets us up; then we'll really know if they understand what we are saying or merely nodding without listening coz they dont go back with us and live with us for the rest of the day.

The problem with chatting online is there's no way of knowing who else the person we chat to, is chatting with. And words travel fast, and the internet has a reputation of long memories; it saves everything we typed as histories. So, imagine words are hard to take back? Well, internet's worse; it saves and copies and becomes an unstoppable viral if used selfishly.

I read from the newspaper saying that Facebook can break a relationship; initially I dont believe it. Now, I'm not so sure. Anything can happen.

The same goes for gaming. I dont care what other ppl says; game online using real money paid to play games no matter how small the subcription is gambling. The difference between gaming online and real games are the hours are shorter than they seem and people tend to forget the numbers they play online represent their credits. People can go bankrupt playing games online, and it doesnt need your signature to do that; all it takes is "just one more click..."

Anyway, I've just talked about the internet negatively, but it can be used positively. There's endless potential to use the internet; the creators never imagined the internet would become an unstoppable viral.

As I've mentioned, the internet is both a tool, and a weapon. How one uses it, it's up to the person's design.

I wish I can say being an adult has all the answers, but I realise most adults are just older kids with trigger friendly fingers and more knowledge to do bad than good.

There's only so much moral subjects we take in the classroom; once graduated, it's up to us to do what we think is right or wrong, which can be really screwed up.

That's why in my opinion, education doesnt make the man / woman. A person can have a phd or doctorate or never graduated school; that doesnt mean shit bout their morality nor character.

Well, after writing this, I've just realised; life sux. *argh..mid life crisis..

♠ Smiting of A Hero

Once upon a time, there was this young man who's pleasant looking and mighty nice to old folks and a good samaritan during the day. At night, he's a hero in disguise, saving the world one brick stone at a time, one fire rescue away.

Since he was so busy rescuing the world, he doesnt have time meeting any women. So his mum find him a nice girl and they got married and lived happily ever after.

Or do they?

After work, the young man went home to a nagging wife who nagged him to find a better job, better pay, get better house, better car, better wardrobe.

Nothing was ever good enough for her; whenever anybody said anything bout how nice the young man was, all she ever did was hrmph and discard off the compliments coz in her eyes; he was never good enough.

So every moment they lived together, she'd pick at him; he shouldnt do this, he should do that, he need to stand up for himself, he must get that job promotion..it's endless.

So, the young man who worked as a hero at night stopped his night job and tried to live up to his wife's expectations. Except that he's trying on a hat too big for his head and he realised, no matter what he did, he'll never be good enough for her.

So, he slowly lash out at the people around him; from a sweet young man, he turned into a bitter old man who blamed other people and pick up fights whenever he felt threatened coz his wall of self-esteem had been dissolved and weakened by the words his wife fed him.

How does one break a hero? One word at a time.

♠ Better

Changing my diet lately due to eating alone and cooking is a hassle coz requires to pack and deciding the next day again what to eat which is different from today.

Lately into raw food which requires minor cooking. Mostly vege consisting of yellow and green pepper, cabbages, corn, cooked meat and some assortments of berries or tomatoes.

I'd prepare a bunch of servings and when I feel like munching something, I'd just spoon some and add cooked corns and walla; a meal or supper at the tip of my fingers.

My hs aunt keeps on asking me to cook em a little, but I dont feel like eating anything oily and lately seems to love biting something crunchy, hence the change of diet.

My mind's been thinking bout several simple dishes which I can do with little hassle. Now's a matter of buying the non-iced beef / pork and match it with noodles (coz rice will take more than a serving and as dinner, it's kinda too filling).

I've been craving the vietnamese noodle with prawn wrapped in transparent rice paper served with spicy fish sauce which my sis did really well. Ah..drooling. Each time can eat 2 pieces and then rest and then eat 2 pieces again and I'd be full.

Been stretching little at night to improve blood circulation. Age is punishing me now for all those years of late nights and no exercise. Well, better late than never.

I stopped taking fish code oil coz taking em routinely increases my appetite. All I ever think at work is medium rare steaming sauce dripping steak or vege with meat cooked in butter or thick gravenous beef soup with carrots and etc. It's really work distracting.

The only thing I'm indulging myself is lemon tea and salad with meat / eggs. Balance is always better.

I think I need to start taking breakfast but can never wake up in time for that. Hmm..